How To Take Terrible-typical Photos
Because I just had to…and because you and I both know that we’ve all done them at one point or another.
1. The Mirror Shot
Strike a sassy pose, hold the camera with your head tilted ever-so-slightly toward it, and snap a photo. Don’t turn off the flash!
2. The Improved Mirror Shot
Realize that you should probably turn off the flash, so you get closer to the mirror to use two hands so the camera is steadier, as all your other non-flash photos were blurry even for you. Since your face is showing, better show off those lips! Pout! Also, don’t look at the camera lens so you are making eye-contact with the viewer — just look at yourself!
3. The Two-Person Photo
Wow! You have to document that you were in a certain place with a certain person, even though we can’t see anything behind you, thus never knowing where you were! (Although red cups would indicate a party…) Who cares if it looks like 90% of the other photos of you on Facebook, it’s so you can remember this exact moment! It may take a couple tries, and it’s even better if you upload all the failed shots in sequence with your successful one.
4. The Myspace Shot
This shot is best for putting a photo on Myspace that shows you at your most attractive. Your body type can’t be seen, and your face tightens as you tilt it up. Simply hold the camera above you as high as you can reach and point down! Often results in mischievous expressions.
5. The Simple Portrait
When no one else wants to take a photo of you, all you do is hold out the camera, tilt your chin, and snap the shutter! It’s you at your most basic. Who cares if the point-and-shoot you have is distorting your face with its wide-angle lens being held at arm’s length?
6. The Contemplative, aka The Emo
When you need to show the world that you’re a serious, deep-thinking individual. Look down and away from the camera, and hair in your face is a bonus. If you’re really serious, make the photo black and white by desaturating the image and upping the contrast!
Okay, so, I guess it’s obvious that these styles of photos that you see plastered all over MySpace/Facebook/etc. irk me, but what can you do? They are a style of portraiture for the modern digital age, where everyone has a point-and-shoot digital camera! But really people, you can do better, it’s not hard. Next time, how to improve your terrible-typical photographs!
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3 Responses to “How To Take Terrible-typical Photos”
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© 2010-2012 Dallas Nagata White
Freakin Awesome!!!
haha, love it. also love the fuzzy, angel wing-ish background in the emo photo, which made it appear even more emo to me, despite the fact that it’s probably an accident.
<3… speaking of which, you missed the hand gestures, such as the heart, the W, and the peace sign—two if you’re feeling daring and nixon-ish! soo much cooler than our old-school shakas.
and then there’s the possibility of doing an entire outdoor series, complete with statue-poses (especially riding animals), tree hugging, shots of the ocean while lying on the sand and resting the camera on your upper chest or just below the boobs, to get the flat, lying down stomach…
and there’s even more, but I’m too tired to go on… you’re waking up and I’m going to sleep. so odd.
mirror picture would have been more accurate if it was taken with a camera phone. Actually probably would have been more accurate if all of these were taken with a shitty 2.0 megapixel cameraphone with no autofocus and full of noise.